They say you can't feel in a dream
Yet it's only when I slumber that the numbness subsides
I hear screams
I see every detail
I revel in the ecstasy of another's bare skin
I smell smoke as I gaze into a fire
I feel fear
I feel love
I feel safe
I feel everything
Even my nightmares are a blessed release from the doldrums of the waking hours
For the first time I can finally see the appeal of mind numbing drugs,
I spent years reprehending those who jabbed
who drank
who snorted
who smoked
My friends
My mother
My lover
I sneered at them all.
But now I am sitting here craving sleep
I dread the moment I next awake
The colours will fade away
The breeze will snatch the miraculous odours
Her hand will dribble away, right between my fingers and I may never catch it again
I try to cope with consciousness
I grind colours into canvass
I toss spices in a pan
I talk to her
think of her
imagine her
see her
But I can only feel when I think no more